How to Fix a Coop Door

Step One: Diagnosis

Examine the broken coop door thoroughly. Determine that breakage was caused by a design flaw that was your own darn fault in the first place.

Step Two: Treatment Plan

Realize that the only way to fix it is to screw boards to the outside of the door, thereby degrading the aesthetic appeal of the coop when the door is shut.

Be unduly concerned about this.

Then remember that this is a chicken coop. In a barn. And the coop door is only shut at night, when it is dark, and, again, it is in a barn.

Step Three: Gather Materials

Look everywhere for the battery powered drill. Grumble under your breath about how no one on this farm ever puts anything away, and how are you supposed to fix things if someone hides all your tools? Be on the verge of calling your father to tell him all of this when you see the drill sitting in its bag in the middle of the floor, the handle sticking invitingly out of the tool bag. Be very glad you did not call your father. Feel vindicated a month later when he calls you, accusing you of hiding the drill, only to find it in the middle of the floor.

Gather screws. Make sure this is done with no regard for the width of the boards you will be screwing together.

Carry everything to the barn. Return to the garage to get the wood you forgot. Return again when you forget the battery-operated circular saw.

Step Four: Execution

Move the battery from the drill to the saw, and cut the boards. Switch the battery back to the drill. Hold the boards up where you are going to screw them on. Realize they are too long. Swap the battery and cut again. Change battery and screw the boards on. Get all eight in before realizing that you have inadvertently screwed the door shut. Take out the four offending top screws. Notice it is only the top four that are the problem, and you can save time by leaving the bottom four in and getting shorter screws for the top.

Go to the garage to get shorter screws. Take care to select screws that require a different bit than the first ones. Do not notice this until you have returned to the barn. Backtrack again to find the proper bit. Dig through the entire toolbox before finding the bit case, a bright red box in an otherwise empty pocket.

Back in the barn, change drill bits and apply the new screws. Open the coop door and find that you have sunk the screws in too far, and they are all poking out a bit, just enough to snag a chicken’s foot. Using a few choice descriptive words back all the screws out just a smidge. Be sure to find a way to make this require at least seven changes of the drill bit as you switch between square and Phillips.

Step Five: Post Op

Open and close the coop door a few times to make sure it works. Stand back and admire your work. Carry everything back to the garage. Make it to the porch before realizing that you left the coop door shut while you were admiring your work, locking the chickens out.

Return to the barn and open the coop door.